


always have, always will

by loneliestfox



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Getting Back Together, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 12:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13681668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loneliestfox/pseuds/loneliestfox
Summary: Mark meets Lucas, two years later.





	always have, always will

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Not once. Twice, more —

Forgive yourself.

Mark clenches his fists. He tells himself to forgive himself once, twice. Slowly, it turns into a mantra in his head. _Forgive yourself,_ he says. Tears prick behind his eyelids. His head feels heavy, chest tight. Loud, booming music hits him from every direction — it’s hard. There’s distraction everywhere — the lights, music, sweaty bodies — but he can only see one thing. He stands across him, leaning against the wall and Mark has to tell himself again. _Sorry._

 

 

Lucas likes hands. He locks fingers with Mark when they walk, when they’re in bed, when they’re kissing. His hands are warm and big, unlike his. His are small, thin. He brings his hand up to his line of sight and frowns. Lucas looks at him weirdly from where he sits. Mark wriggles his feet in Lucas’ lap.

“What do you like about my hands?”

Mark inspects it closer. His fingernails are always cut neatly. Lucas slots his fingers with Mark’s.

“It fits,” he replies, bringing Mark’s hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles. Mark feels himself turning red and looks away. “It fits perfectly.”

Mark hums.

“You and me,” he says, laughing and leaves it there.

_We’re perfect._

 

 

There are two truths in the world: 1) The Sun is a star and 

2) Nothing’s perfect.

Mark tries to look away. Ignorance is bliss, they say. Maybe if he pretends he doesn’t exist, he’d be fine. He presses himself more and more against the wall behind him, trying to dissolve into the wall. He wants to disappear. Gone. Where the fuck is Donghyuck?

“Hey,” someone says, voice familiar. Always rough and deep. Velvety. It’s nice. Mark looks up and musters up a smile.

“Hi,” he says through clenched teeth. “I —”

 

 

Mark thinks Lucas is a little stupid but then again, so is he.

Lucas sits on his windowsill, panting as he grins down at Mark. He looks at him, completely appalled. Mark reaches forward, pulling Lucas inside his room and cradles his face in his hand.

“Are you stupid?” He whispers, breath fanning against Lucas’ face. He scrunches his nose and grins.

"Stupidly in love,” Lucas singsongs, wrapping his arms around Mark’s waist. He picks him up with ease, like he weighs almost nothing, and twirls him around. Mark half panics and half giggles, hitting Lucas on the arm. 

“Put me down,” Mark half yells and Lucas obeys, putting him down. The stupid grin still plastered on his face. “You could’ve died,” he says, holding Lucas’ face in his hand. “Don’t do that ever again. Just text me you’re coming from the front door, you idiot.” 

“Where’s the fun in that? This is more romantic,” he says, plopping himself down on Mark’s bed. Mark rolls his eyes. Of course.

“You’re stupid,” Mark says, sitting next to him and plays with his fingers. Lucas lets him and Mark knows he’s watching him. “Don’t look at me like that,” Mark says nervously. 

“Like what?”

“Like that,” Mark says, looking up at Lucas. And he’s right — he is looking at him. He nudges his chin forward. “Like I’m everything.”

Lucas leans in and kisses him on the mouth. Mark melts in his arms as Lucas pushes him to lay on the bed. Mark has fistfulls of Lucas’ hair when he pulls away, panting.

“Because you are.”

 

 

“ — I’m Mark.”

This is ridiculous. His hand sticks out in between them without him even allowing it. Lucas stares at him for a second before he looks down.

“Oh, um,” Lucas says and grabs Mark’s hand. He feels something electric in him when their skin touch. He looks up at Lucas and it’s that look again. He isn’t the only one. “I’m Lucas.”

 _I know._  

“Nice to meet you, Lucas,” he says, voice shaking. Lucas crowds him into the wall and there’s no space to back into. Mark swallows. Fuck.

Lucas grins. _Forgive yourself_. “Nice meeting you, too, Mark.”

 

 

Lucas fits all their stupid polaroids and photobooth strips in his wallet. It’s fat and packed not because it’s full of money but because it’s full of them.

And him.

“Lucas, _please_ , take this photo of me out,” Mark begs, trying to keep the polaroid out of Lucas’ reach. It’s futile, anyway. Lucas snatches it back and slots it back in. A grinning Mark with blue icing all over his face stares back at him mockingly.

“You look cute,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “I want to remember this day.”

Mark feels the blood rushing to his face, feeling warm. It’s when Lucas, for the first time, holds his hand and asks him, on his sixteenth birthday if he could please, if he feels the same way, be his boyfriend.

It seems so long ago. He blinks and they’re already graduating.

“There will be other days,” Mark says, taking the wallet out of his hands and sits on Lucas’ lap, legs on either side. Lucas laughs and holds onto Mark’s waist. “When I look cuter.”

“Impossible,” Lucas gasps. “You always look cute.”

 

 

The door ricochets off the wall when Lucas slams it open, pushing Mark through it. Lucas kisses him the same, stupid and soft and slow. A tear makes its way down his cheek when Lucas holds his face. They break away only to take off their shirts. Mark exhales, pushing Lucas away but holds him back with hands on his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Lucas asks. Always so fucking caring. “We can stop if you —”

“I’ve never done this,” Mark blurts out. “I’ve never — I’ve never done it. I’m scared.”

“We can stop,” he says, voice turning softer, sitting up. He holds Mark’s hand in his and like a habit, he brings Mark’s hands to his lips and kisses his knuckles. Mark freezes. “I’ve never done it either.”

“Oh,” he says. Two years. “Okay, uh. Lucas, I —”

“Yeah?” He asks, tilting his head to the side. “Mark?”

 

 

The diploma in his hand feels heavy. It weighs him down with every step he takes towards Lucas’s open arms. Lucas’ cap disappeared, the only thing that proves that he graduated is the diploma in his hand and his ugly maroon robe.

“Look at us,” Lucas says, wrapping his arms around Mark’s shoulders. “Graduated.”

“Yeah,” Mark says, gnawing on his bottom lip. He feels heavy, burdened. Lucas frowns.

“Hey,” he says, squeezing Mark. “Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Lucas,” he starts. Lucas looks at him expectantly, head tilting to the side. He’s so cute. So fucking cute. “I got accepted to U of M.”

 

 

“Lucas, I don’t know how you’ve forgiven me. I — I fucking hate me. I wouldn’t forgive myself. Hate me, Lucas. Why the fuck don’t you hate me?”

“Mark,” he says, softly and it brings Mark back to Earth. “I’ll always love you.”

 

 

Lucas doesn’t talk to Mark for a whole week and he kind of deserves it. But here’s the thing, it’s a little selfish but. 

`i miss you` he types and presses send. `please talk to me im sorry i kept it away from u.`

`why didnt u tell me` Lucas replies. Mark watches the speech bubble appear, then disappear. Then, `i’ll never be mad at u u know that. i just. i want u to tell me things.`

Mark stares at his screen with tears brimming in his eyes. `i’m sorry` he types but before he even presses send, Lucas sends another.

`do u not trust me?`

 

 

Mark wakes up in warm arms and familiar sounds. He blinks his eyes awake. Lucas.

“Lucas,” he whispers, his voice still rough from all the crying last night. He curls himself more into Lucas’ embrace and holds back a sob. _Forgive yourself_. “Lucas, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Lucas shifts in his sleep, pulling Mark closer. He’s still the same warmth and comfort Mark always remembers him as. This isn’t a dream but it feels like it. In what kind of world does Mark live in that he and Lucas are together again.

Mark continues to sob quietly into Lucas’ shoulder, tears dripping off his face to stain his shoulders. Lucas startles awake so hard, he almost hit himself against the wall. He grabs hold of Mark’s face and frowns.

“I’m here, I’m here,” he says, voice high and strained. “Why are you crying?" 

“Lucas, I’m sor—”

“Mark,” he says with an air of finality. Mark tries to push his sobs down his throat, only to have them tumble back out in loud cries. Lucas holds him close, drawing idle shapes across his back. “Mark, I was never mad at you. Forgive yourself, please. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“But I —”

“I love you,” he cuts him off. Lucas says it with so much confidence that Mark shakes. “Always have, always will. No stupid break up will change that.”

 

 

“We should take a break.”

They’re in a cafe they rarely go. It’s easier this way. No memories are here. Lucas wraps his fingers around his cup of hot chocolate and nods. Mark heaves out a sigh, his shoulders feel lighter now. LDRs never work. He won’t let himself or Lucas go through that.

“Okay,” Lucas says. Mark wants to hold his hand one last time. Wants to say, I love you but that would be selfish of him. He holds himself back and nods. “Can I kiss you one last time?”

Mark’s puzzled. No whys? No hows? No crying into a cup of chocolate or stomping away? Mark nods.

Lucas rounds the table to Mark and leans down. They meet halfway, with Mark craning his neck up and Lucas leaning down. Lucas’ hand on his cheeks feel warm. And when he lets go, there’s a bitter smile on his face.

 

 

Lucas still likes holding hands, two years later.

They work it together and try to mend what’s broken, try to kiss and heal. Mark kisses I’m sorrys into Lucas’s skin and Lucas kisses an it’s okay back.

“Look,” Lucas says, slotting their hands together when they’re in Lucas’ bed. His room is bigger than Mark’s. It’s not fair.

“What?” Mark says, squeezing his fingers around Lucas’.

“It still fits,” he says and a wave of deja vu hits him in the face. “It fits perfectly.”

And Mark has always been bad at feelings. Doesn’t know which to keep away and which to show. But he feels like Lucas brings everything out of him. He pushes Lucas flat on his bed and kisses the life out of him. For the first time in months, he kisses him an I love you.

“Okay,” Lucas says, giggling when Mark pulls away, completely red in the face. “What was that for?”

“I love you,” Mark spills out and he immediately feels lighter. Happier. He smiles wider and peppers kisses all over Lucas’ face. “I love you, holy shit.”

“Yeah?” Lucas laughs, and Mark has never heard something so beautiful. He’s never been happier. “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

>   * i cant believe there is not one single yukmark fic yet
>   * [happy valentines day](https://twitter.com/jaexmark/status/963760465292611584)
> 



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